Hiding the Food. Hiding The Feelings, Hiding Me [Chapter Four]

by: Betsy L. Angert

Mon May 23, 2005 at 12:16:00 PM EDT

It began so innocently and it grew so rapidly.  It was a conscious decision in a moment and yet, I never thought that it would become a way of life.  I could not have anticipated what was to come.  Initially it took no effort.  It came so easily; actually, the food came up so easily, smoothly.  Morsels slid in and slid out.  Later, it was a chore, the chore of my life!

No, vomiting was not difficult.  My throat had become an amusement park for food; however, I was not amused.  I did not want to share this adventure with friends, family, or acquaintances.  I wanted to hide.  I wanted to hide my food, my feelings; I wanted to hide "me!"

I did not want anyone to know who I was, what I was feeling, or what I was doing.  I was a failure!!!!!  I was not pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough; I was not perfect!  Nonetheless, I survived.  Oh, there were those that said I was wonderful, saw me as smart, even brilliant.  Some believed me to be beautiful, however, they were not "I."  They did not know the real me.

They were not in my head, my heart, my body, or my soul and they did not know.  They did not know what I hid.  They could not; I was hiding that from myself.

[Part Four in an Ongoing Series.]

Please peruse Chapters One through Six, if you choose.